


Depressed

by M_Mary93



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Deep water, Demons, Depression, Down, IDGAF, Low, My give a damn's busted, Sad, Self-Hatred, depressed, gloomy, glum, possible self harm, possible self-harm, shadows hanging over you, trigger - Freeform, trigger warning, trigger warning depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-07 13:46:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13436019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/M_Mary93/pseuds/M_Mary93
Summary: We all know Jack. You know, the happy guy who's always ready to cheer you up. The guy who's ready to go through hell and high water for you. The guy who's always smiling and joking around. We all know Jack.But we don't know his demons.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I figured I needed to write something like this. Because I needed something like this right about now. And I will not apologize for it.

_It’ll be okay. It’ll all be okay._  
–Maybe not right now.  
But it'll be okay.  


He knew that. He knew that brighter days would come and he would feel better. But if those days decided to come here a little faster than it seemed, that would be great.  Because right now was a pitch black hole he had fallen into and the walls were steep and slick and he couldn’t climb out on his own. He tried to, for sure, he tried to.

He sat in his chair, his eyes locked on the television. His mind didn’t register what the pictures it showed was, he didn’t even notice it was the news he was watching. Or staring at.

There was no telling how long he’d been there. No telling how long he’d been lost in his own mind, but if one were to test the temperature of the coffee cup standing next to him, one would conclude that he’d been there for a few hours.

He had barely moved a muscle. He had blinked every now and then, but that was about it. He just sat there.

_Tomorrow’s gonna be better. Or the day after that. One day is gonna be better._

 

MACGYVER2016MACGYVER2016

 

His phone buzzed. The vibrations in his pocket brought him back enough so that he managed to check his phone. It could be from work, then he could be useful. Or it could be from Mac or Riley, maybe they needed him?

Nope. It was one of his alarms. The one he had set for 12:30 am reminding him to go to bed. He shook his head and sighed, then he turned the alarm off.

“Just what I need… Another day. Wasted…” he sighed once again, then he stood up and walked his coffee cup and the plate with the un-eaten toast over to the kitchen area. He contemplated whether to just throw away the drying piece of bread with cheese on it, but decided to just put the whole plate inside his fridge. “Prob’ly just look at it during breakfast tomorrow too…”

He rolled his eyes at himself as he shut the refrigerator door, “You’re pathetic…”

He padded over to his bathroom. Looked himself in the mirror and ran a hand over his beard. It was on the verge of that length where you transform from ‘grown-up, yet young and active’ to ‘grandpa, about ready to play Santa Clause’. He tilted his head from side to side and studied it.

“I’ll do something about that tomorrow…” He concluded after a minute or so. _Just like you decided yesterday. And the day before that. And the day before that, and the… The last two weeks or so… You lazy piece of shit._ “Yep… Tomorrow.”

_As if…_

He opened the cabinet over the faucet. Looked at his toothbrush. Didn’t reach towards it, just looked at it. “Maybe tomorrow…” _Most of my teeth ain’t even mine, and who cares if I skip brushing my teeth once in a while…_

He closed the cabinet again. Did the bare minimum of what you usually do in the bathroom before you get ready for bed and walked into his bedroom.

 

MACGYVER2016MACGYVER2016

 

He flopped down on his bed. Like a marionette with its strings cut. He didn’t bother taking off his jeans or t-shirt. Just reached out for the cover and pulled it on top of himself.

He stared at the ceiling  as he hoped that he would have five hours of uninterrupted unconsciousness without any nightmares resurfacing. They probably would though, just like every other time he felt low. His nightmares seemed to know when that was.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so… That was the first chapter. Hope you enjoyed it.  
> I might add a few more chapters, not sure just now. Let me know what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, thanks for the response! Hope you’re gonna enjoy this one too.

 

4:46 AM. It had taken him a long time to fall asleep, even though it was kinda late. He was still panting from reliving a particular bad memory from his years in a uniform. He tried steadying his breath, tried to use a couple of seconds on each breath in and equally each breath out. And he tried not to notice the burning sensation in his eyes.

His breath caught in his throat, and he knew he was done for. Knew that he had no say in what his body would do next. He was in a runaway carriage, no way to steer it. He still tried though.

Tried not to let the first tear roll down the side of his face. Tried not to let out the first sob, or the second. –Or the third.

He rolled over on his side and brought his pillow up in front of his face in an attempt to muffle himself. He didn’t want to hear himself, didn’t want to add to the feeling of being pathetic and helpless. He knew that wasn’t the way it worked, but he tried.

“You big ol’ cry baby…” he muttered into the pillow, “Just stop!”

Stopping was about as easy as stopping a volcano with an ice cube. Trying to force yourself to stop was just as hard as stopping a tank with your bare hands, without being Clark freaking Kent.

“Stop it…” he begged, but no one was around to hear his prayers.

He curled up on himself. His legs tucked in close, one arm wrapping around his midriff like if a hug would help him. His other arm wrapped around the pillow, pressing the damp fabric towards his face.

 _‘Pathetic loser…’_ that was what he was. Grownups didn’t act like this. Grownups were in control of their emotions. He should be too. –But he was weak. He wasn’t as tough as all the rest of them. He knew that. He figured everybody knew that…

A racking sob tremored through his body, his shoulders tensed as he tried to get a grasp on it.

“It’s no big deal Dalton…” he tried to convince himself, tried to calm himself. “Everything will be alright… Everything is gonna be okay… Just need to pull yourself together.”

His left arm tightened around his middle, like he was physically trying to pull all the broken pieces inside of him together.

And another sob left his lips.

MACGYVER2016MACGYVER2016

 

6:15 AM. His phone buzzed. Another alarm. This time it was meant to wake him up, if he hadn’t been awake for some time yet.

He took a deep breath, it hitched a little bit, but he avoided to start crying again. It seemed to him like his body had had enough. He felt physically exhausted, even though he hadn’t stepped out of bed yet.

He had stopped crying loudly, but the tears and the self-hatred was still right there. Draped over him like a blanket.

Using every ounce of energy he had, he managed to get to his feet. He had to get to work, but right now, all that kept his body going, and kept him from staying in bed with his face buried in the pillow was routine.

He dragged his feet over to the bathroom, looked in the mirror. “Ho-ho-ho…”

Sighed. Shook his head. Reached for his toothbrush. Brushed his teeth. –He was headed to work. Looking somewhat put together was essential.  
Put his toothbrush away, and ran a hand over his beard.

“Naaah… THAT can wait…” he sighed as he decided not to have a date with his electric razor today either. Then he caught a whiff of himself and frowned, “But I’ll be punished if I go to work smelling like this…”

His shoulders slumped, yeah, they actually had one more level to slump down on. He didn’t know that.

“Okay, shower…” he sighed, looking at the shower. “How many days has it been?”

He thought back, but decided the answer was too embarrassing to really think about.

He used the toilet. Turned on the shower and stepped in. Before he knew it, he was sitting on the floor in the shower. Water pouring down on him, soaking him from head to toe.

He didn’t move before the water started getting cold. First then he stood back up and reached for the soap. “Now, Jack… Looks like the only two things you master is being wreck and wasting time…”

As soon as he stepped out of the shower again, he went over to the fogged up mirror and wiped it off with his towel. He smiled. Or tried to… His facial muscles didn’t quite cooperate the first five or six attempts. But he finally pulled it off, “Good enough… No one will know you just spent more than an hour crying like a baby…”

He dried off and headed to his bedroom to get a clean set of clothes. He might be a mess when he was alone, but he was a master at keeping up his appearance when he was at work.  
Well, at least sorta. Hobo-beard be damned.

He put the clean clothes on. Went to the kitchen, tore off one bite from the toast from yesterday and headed out the door.

Even if everything else was a mess, he could with his hand over his heart say that he had eaten breakfast, and that he had brushed his teeth.  
Small victories.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, that turned out to be the second chapter.  
> I’ll probably switch it up a little bit once he reaches the Phoenix Foundation. Don't know for sure yet, but it’s somewhat of a plan.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my darlings! Hope you’re having an awesome day!

 

 

“Hey man!” there was that blond genius he adored so much, “You look like you need a coffee…”

Jack couldn’t argue with that, so he nodded. “Yeah, don’t think I got enough of it back home this morning.”

Actually, coffee hadn’t even been a part of this morning yet.

“I’m headed over to the coffee shop across the street, you want me to bring you back something? Coffee? Black?” Mac asked with a smile.

“Kid, honestly. You don’t have to…”

“I’m going there either way. Riley wanted a cappuccino, Bozer wanted latte…” Mac shrugged, “Matty and I are getting a regular coffees. And you do look like you need one.”

“I can just take some from the…”

“The coffee machine went belly-up yesterday…” Mac shrugged, “And the company said it would take a few days before the part we needed would arrive.”

“And you haven’t just fixed it yet?”

Mac shook his head, “No, figured I should leave it be, since it isn’t an emergency and since the warranty won’t cover anything if I tamper with it… So… Coffee?”

Jack nodded, “Need me to help carry anything?”

Mac shook his head, “No… Think I’ll manage just fine. But thanks for asking!”

Jack nodded, “Yeah, no problem.”

“But Matty’s looking for you. Said it was kinda important.”

He managed to stop the grimace from displaying all over his face. This couldn’t be good. This… He was fired, for sure. For some reason or another, Matty had finally found enough crap to fire him. It was the only explanation.

Could this day get any crappier?   
Probably not…

 

MACGYVER2016MACGYVER2016

 

“There you are Dalton.” Matty nodded with a blank face when he entered the war room. This couldn’t be good.

“Yeah, here I am…” _ready to get fired._

“Sit down, you’re much easier to talk to when you’re not so damned tall…” Matty said, then waited a couple of seconds for Jack to do just that. “I meant to call or something, but I didn’t want to disturb you while you were back home with your family. Like you said, you don’t see them nearly enough, so I figured it would be impolite of me to bother you while you were in Texas.”

_I’m getting fired. I’m getting fired. I’m getting fired. She didn’t want to call, in case I broke down in front of my family. Maybe I should have told them all that I cancelled the trip? No. That would lead to questions. Questions I don’t want to answer. Better just act as I had an awesome time… Yeah, I’ll do that._

“Yeah, what’s on your mind?”

“Just needed to say that I’m having the team over to my place this Friday. Bring your bathing suit, preferably not a speedo.” Matty informed with a smile.

“Yes ma’am. No speedos.” Jack nodded, “Anything else?”

Matty shrugged, “No, not really. But I’ve got a fun challenge for all of us.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, thought we’d check how long we would manage to go without talking about work… So… No work talk on Friday either. Bring some other topics to talk about.”

“No speedos. No work talk. Got it.” Jack nodded again.

“And probably trim that roadkill you’ve got covering half of your face. We don’t wanna scare the neighbors either.”

“Thought you didn’t have any neighbors…”

“Well, no… But still, you need to shave. How did you even get through airport security?”

Jack shrugged and ran a hand over his beard, he couldn’t exactly argue with her.

Just then Mac, Bozer and Riley entered the room. Each of them carrying their respective hot beverage in one hand. Mac also balanced a cardboard tray with two cups, one for Jack and one for Matty, and had a bag of bakery treats trapped between his fingers and his cup of coffee.

“Coffee’s here! Oh what a beautiful morning! Oh, what a beautiful day!!!” Bozer grinned and basically danced over to the chair he planned on sitting in.

Jack smiled as Mac handed him his coffee cup, tried to refuse a cinnamon bun, but ended up taking one either way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so… Here you have this chapter… Hope you enjoyed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!!! Almost forgot to post this here too, not just at ff. net

 

They had been there for 30 minutes when Matty’s phone buzzed with a message. “Guys, eyes on the screen. Looks like we’re going to get a chance to really earn our pay today too. Riley, will you bring it all up on the screen?”

All of them sat a little straighter as Riley did as Matty asked of her.

An aerial photo of a forest popped up first, then a passport like photo of a business looking guy, a ransom note that looked like the classic back-in-the-days ransom notes made by magazine and newspaper clippings, and a video displaying what looked like a rather brutal kidnapping.

“Who’s that guy, and why was he kidnapped?” Bozer asked, before he followed it up with “Where are we going to go save him?”

“That is Andrew Teller, he’s the boyfriend of Elle Clark. A powerful young business woman with no less than four multi-billion dollar companies in her name.”

“So, they’re pressing her for money?” Jack guessed.

“Yeah, but that’s not the only thing they want…” Matty sighed.

“What else do they want?”

“They want her to make her uncle delete three names from the FBI’s most wanted list.”

“They want his uncle to do that?” Bozer frowned, “What is he? Super hacker or something?”

“More like he’s in charge of the list of FBI’s most wanted…” Matty corrected, “There is no way of knowing whether whoever has kidnapped Teller has contact with the three people they want to delete from the list, but we’ll get someone to look into it.”

“Okay, cool. When are we headed out?” Bozer asked, about ready to get up and go already.

“You’re not going anywhere, Bozer.” Matty answered as she turned to face him, “You’ll be staying here working on prosthetics for one of the other teams. And Riley, you’ll also be staying here.”

“Yes ma’am…” Riley nodded while Bozer pouted.

“Mac, Jack… You’re both on a jet outta here in 45 minutes.”

Mac and Jack nodded, partially waiting for more information.

“Get going guys! I’ll fill you in on the plane.” Matty prompted with her usual impatience.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so… This was basically a filling chapter. I needed to get from point A to point B… You know how it is.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so… That was the first chapter. Hope you enjoyed it.  
> I might add a few more chapters, not sure just now. Let me know what you think!


End file.
